People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”