*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
…żyje?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.