PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry