People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem