People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.