why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.