Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

FINE, I WON’T.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…