People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.