People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.