People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?