Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Brilliant!

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

12653.