People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
😂🖐️
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.