People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
They got a point!
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.