The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge