People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
(yawn)
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.