People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
😅😅😅
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
True statement👍😏😁
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360