People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
You Might Also Like
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“I FIXED IT!”
How does someone manage that 🤨
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco