People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.