People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.