Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

finally

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this