People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
when u come home smelling like another dog
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
