Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.