People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
also my go-to takeaway order
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.