People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
🤣
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.