People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The Weeknd is back
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.