People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Life hack
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore