People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
