People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
“OMGJK” -atheists
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day