Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Hitlers gonna hitl
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨