Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.