People with short hair don’t get dandruff, they get Pixie dust.
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me