Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.