people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.