people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Haha! 😂
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”