people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?