People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
