People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Bear knowledge
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata