Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Oops 🤭

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

men, we mow at sunrise.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you