People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
This forever.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..