Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

I have a black belt in leather

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.