People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?