People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I feel it
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Super Hand Dog Face
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
This is a genius move
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
there’s probably a fee though
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast