Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

🐶😂

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Love this one 😂🧟

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

are there any atheist mantises?

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.