People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Lmao
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own