Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

men are simple creatures

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.