Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

being a writer on Twitter:

when someone rings the doorbell

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Mad Max Arctic Road

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”