People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
look scared
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]