People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig