People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Ferrari squats
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.