People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Not helping
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now