People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
💀
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]