Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

you stereotypes are all alike

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days