People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
adding to the discourse
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.