If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication