People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.