@KenJennings

People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”

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@TheDreamGhoul

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

@SirJeremyLondon

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

@PatsATweetin

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@JMFingSparks

5yo: *smells glue stick*

Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!

5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*

@MarfSalvador

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.