People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”

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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.


Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.


Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it


Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.


*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”