*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
5yo: *smells glue stick*
Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!
5yo: it smells like strawberries!
Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.