Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Lube but for my dry humor.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint