Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Spotted in the wild

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

This was my dad’s browser history.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?