pep talk
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.