pep talk
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I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag