Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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uncle dave has been through hell
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.