Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Old old old old old west

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

I hope they boil the right one.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

All set.