Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
drew a comic about my origin story
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.