Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.
You Might Also Like
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.