Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?