Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.