Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: